Sticks and stone may break my bones...but then again they will heal with time if set right...but words can eat at me for years.
Sorry if my blogs tend to be negative, but I feel no need to write unless I'm confused or needing to vent these days! If things are going well then no blogs are written. But I guess this is kind of good?
So I've never really thought about my appearance much (just like I never really noticed race until middle school), and tended to wear whatever. But after much discrimination over the past what feels like year? I've started to conform.... Ever since I came to college I put a little more effort into my clothes (I actually take 5 minutes to look for something instead of just putting on whatever I grab) but this is still nothing in comparison to most other girls I guess? So after being teased about looking like a grandma, wearing baggy clothes, having no sense of fashion....my heart started to take it a little hard. I looked at other girls who do dress "nice" (insert envy) and thought that maybe they were somehow more important, were more attractive, or had more worth than me. After all who wants to hangout with a girl who looks all mismatched? It's embarrassing right?
Eh?!? I can't believe I even got caught up in those thoughts! I've never really struggled with appearance or body image because I think everyone's beautiful, and not to sound conceited but I love the body God gave me! Sure it came with collapsing arches and other things I have to deal with but overall I'm blessed to have 10 finger, 10 toes, and for the most part a functioning body. And beyond all that there's a heart, and person unique from everyone. Not just me, but each and every girl and guy out there so unique and beautiful in their body type, character, and yes fashion sense (or lack thereof) haha!
So after further review I decided if I wanted to wear nice things it would be because I wasn't trying to please others. Nor trying to please myself (vanity). There are things I could wear that would make me look nice, but I tend to not wear them. Why? I feel more down to earth and more available to a wider range of people when I dress shabby I guess. After all it's the people who dress nice and seem to have it all together that scare me the most. Soooo assuming there are others out there like me, looking for someone who appears to be a simpleton, who cares nothing about dress code but the heart...I'll keep wearing my baggy shirts and mismatched hand-me-down cloths :D
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Discontent Heart
So recently I've been feeling a lot of discontent in where I'm at in serving the Lord. Not because He hasn't been working or I haven't been seeking Him, but because I'm comparing myself to others... and my flesh is desiring to be praised and lifted up. My heart should be glad when I see others advancing the gospel and I am, but I also begin to see myself or the ministry God has given me as less than worthy and I feel jealous of others. Seeing pictures all over facebook of them serving or bonding with others it makes me feel deficient. I remember reading about this discontentment in The Lords Work Done in the Lord's Way.
"Why Restless?
In the past, we have had a couple of families on staff with us who left the ministry because they were dissatisfied, feeling as though they were not doing what they considered "real" ministry...Please understand. It is good to long to serve God in the best way we can. But discontentment, discouragement, frustration and grumbling just because we don't like what the Lord gave us to do is not good. We must be able to discern between truly desiring to please the Lord and our own restlessness and self-seeking. We must be able to discern what is motivating us in the work of the Lord. A lot of times we can be pulled in many different directions by the needs around us. And we can like it too. The work of the Lord certainly has its satisfaction for the flesh. There is the crowd of people, the results, the praise, the attention and the "thank-yous" all of these can really make the flesh feel good. We definitely enjoy the attention, the limelight and the sense of accomplishment and self-worth that come in ministry. But we are called to in serving Him must be rooted in pleasing Him and done out of love for Him-not our own gratification and glory. It must be for His....But the truth is, we all have the same problem-wicked hearts. we'd rather be one of the priests who are busy standing before the people, active in what is immediately needed. We want our ministry to look dramatic and effective. Our flesh wants to glory in the praise of men....We shouldn't worry about how things look, what people might be saying, or whether or not there are the results we thought there would be. Our number-one concern must be to know Him and His ways and to follow His lead. When we live like this, what happens, whether good or bad in man's sight, whether productive or useless in man's opinion has no bearing. We are not working for human beings. We are doing it because of our love for Him. It is ministry unto Him, and this pleases Him. Please, we need to evaluate what our motive has been in serving the Lord. Are we seeking to meet the need around us, or are we seeking to know and please Him? Are we controlled, motivated and energized by our talents and by opportunities that present themselves? Do needs and others' voices guide our course? Or do we really know, in our innermost being, that we are serving our King? Ask yourself these questions."
Yea so after rereading that probably three times I've realized my flesh has been wanting glory and praise. I want to be placed in a position to be serving where everyone will see. But that's all for the wrong motivations. I shouldn't be like the Levites in Ezekiel 44, but like the house of Zadok who sit quietly before the Lord, ministering to Him and concerned with only pleasing Him. I need to serve with the right heart, and not look for praise. May my pride be crushed and all glory given where it truly belongs! I can't say let me serve where no one will see, because then I remove glory from God, so fix my heart.
"Why Restless?
In the past, we have had a couple of families on staff with us who left the ministry because they were dissatisfied, feeling as though they were not doing what they considered "real" ministry...Please understand. It is good to long to serve God in the best way we can. But discontentment, discouragement, frustration and grumbling just because we don't like what the Lord gave us to do is not good. We must be able to discern between truly desiring to please the Lord and our own restlessness and self-seeking. We must be able to discern what is motivating us in the work of the Lord. A lot of times we can be pulled in many different directions by the needs around us. And we can like it too. The work of the Lord certainly has its satisfaction for the flesh. There is the crowd of people, the results, the praise, the attention and the "thank-yous" all of these can really make the flesh feel good. We definitely enjoy the attention, the limelight and the sense of accomplishment and self-worth that come in ministry. But we are called to in serving Him must be rooted in pleasing Him and done out of love for Him-not our own gratification and glory. It must be for His....But the truth is, we all have the same problem-wicked hearts. we'd rather be one of the priests who are busy standing before the people, active in what is immediately needed. We want our ministry to look dramatic and effective. Our flesh wants to glory in the praise of men....We shouldn't worry about how things look, what people might be saying, or whether or not there are the results we thought there would be. Our number-one concern must be to know Him and His ways and to follow His lead. When we live like this, what happens, whether good or bad in man's sight, whether productive or useless in man's opinion has no bearing. We are not working for human beings. We are doing it because of our love for Him. It is ministry unto Him, and this pleases Him. Please, we need to evaluate what our motive has been in serving the Lord. Are we seeking to meet the need around us, or are we seeking to know and please Him? Are we controlled, motivated and energized by our talents and by opportunities that present themselves? Do needs and others' voices guide our course? Or do we really know, in our innermost being, that we are serving our King? Ask yourself these questions."
Yea so after rereading that probably three times I've realized my flesh has been wanting glory and praise. I want to be placed in a position to be serving where everyone will see. But that's all for the wrong motivations. I shouldn't be like the Levites in Ezekiel 44, but like the house of Zadok who sit quietly before the Lord, ministering to Him and concerned with only pleasing Him. I need to serve with the right heart, and not look for praise. May my pride be crushed and all glory given where it truly belongs! I can't say let me serve where no one will see, because then I remove glory from God, so fix my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)