I'm not myself. I got caught up in a lot of questions and doubts concerning my faith. Solidly inside I know what I believe and if I were to say I don't believe I would be a liar. But there are so many skeptical/ cynical thoughts in my head.
Every time I hear sin, I scoff in my mind and think there is no sin.
Every time I hear a testimony I think of how it could just be coincidence and emotions.
Certainly living in a world where there is no such thing as bad deeds condemning your soul to Hell, and where your future is yours completely to control and enjoy would be...well happy/enjoyable.
Maybe I'm so diluted that I cannot function without the delusion of a religion? But that doesn't seem it.
It's not that I'm doubting Christianity as much as I'm doubting myself.
When I grew up surrounded by Christianity I doubted in my ability to understand the gospel and that I had prayed right, lived right, and was a Christian.
I realized later on salvation is based on Christ's work and not my work. And faith in Christ not faith in Sarah.
Now that I'm in college and surrounded by scientific reason (which in some cases is not reason at all) and chance, and do what makes you happy, I doubt that I'm thinking rationally when it comes to religion and my life.
Do I make up emotions and follow made up ideas? How do I prove to myself that God is real in a non biased way that is rational? Surely every response I say can be shot down, because it seems impossible.
But that is where faith comes in. For with sight there is no faith. And here I insert my "oh what an easy coup out. If it doesn't make sense say that you must have faith."
But I must say that it was during those times I lived in faith- the faith that perhaps this impossibility that there is a God and He happens to love me and died for me. And the evil we see in this world is sin, which should be punished. And that my rebellious heart wants so hard to convince me I am GOOD and I don't need to be saved- I have felt the most peace. I have seen the beautiful work on God through weaving together lives and stories of redemption, healing, and love. I have seen lives transformed to beauty, and watched as a timid weak Sarah grew into a strong woman who loved the Lord and loved people.
Now I feel like a sheltered person who loves nothing but myself and my future. This was me trying to go without God, to live without faith. To try it the worlds way and the worlds perspective. It is miserable. What's more is it is empty, lonely, sad, selfish. It is the opposite of who I was and want to be.
God keep pursuing my heart. Let me trust and have faith in you again. Use me in my weakness...and do not let me shame You or lead others to turn from You. I will cling to this impossibility of You. Do not let me be ashamed.
